December 30, 2005

My Birthday Wish

Yes, it’s my birthday. I was Mom & Dad’s little tax-deduction bundle of joy way back in 19(ah-hem, ah-hem). I reveal this little bit of personal information about myself for two reasons. Firstly, I’m shamelessly trolling for birthday greetings & presents. But most importantly, I have a birthday wish.

I’m sure most of you saw the movie “Liar, Liar”. Jim Carrey plays a scummy lawyer going through a separation from Maura Tierney, and often disappointing his adorable little son with his absences. As a lawyer, Carrey had succumbed to a lifestyle of lying. But like most liars, his penchant for not telling the truth eventually caught up with him. In this case a mystical spell was cast on him when his son wished for just one day that his dad could not tell a lie. Carrey’s antics carried the rest of the story.

My birthday wish is very similar. I wish that for as long as elected and entrusted politicians are in office to serve the people, they could not lie. I know it sounds far fetched but remember… I’m the one who likes thinking ‘out-of-the-box’. So, here’s an example of what some people might be saying in the near future:

George W. Bush: My background before sleazing my way into public office is the oil industry, so I’ve done all I could the help my friends in the oil and energy industries. After all, Ken ‘Kenny-Boy’ Lay did help finance my political ascension. So, as payback to all my wealthy contributors, I’ve done all I can to pay them back with tax cuts, deregulation, cronyism and corporate welfare.

Yes, I really milked this born-again Christian thing. Got them right in line, I did! Helped get me reelected when I promised them anti-gay, anti-abortion, intelligent-design, and abstinence-only ideology. And even if that hadn’t worked, I threw them Christians lots of mullah with my ‘Faith-based Initiatives’ scam… they had to vote for me!

And boy did I squeak by the skin-of-my-teeth on this reelection, what with Iraq being such a disaster. If I hadn’t smeared John Kerry as much as I did, I wouldn’t have been able to steal the election with Kenneth Blackwell & Diebold in my pocket in Ohio.

Dick Cheney: My background is in the energy services industry with my position as CEO of Halliburton, so I’ve done all I can to accommodate the energy industry by making the country’s energy policy based on their input alone. After all, since I’m still receiving compensation from Halliburton, I want to make sure they’re well lubricated. That’s why I’m all for perpetual war in the Middle East where Halliburton’s KBR subsidiary can flourish with multi-billion dollar no-bid contracts.

Condolezza Rice: My background includes a position on the Board of Directors of Chevron, so I’m very interested in ‘fueling’ the energy industry as well, and taking over the Middle East to keep those pipelines secure. Sure, I was an incompetent hack as National Security Advisor since I watched the 9/11 attack happen without lifting a finger to stop it, but hey… it got me a promotion, didn’t it? Now I do lots of traveling and strong-arming of world leaders, just enough to keep them completely pssst off at the United States. Oh, and that “mushroom cloud” thing… gotcha, didn’t I!

Donald Rumsfeld: I’ve been a Republican hack for most of my career. That is, when I wasn’t a stooge for the pharmaceutical industry. Yes, I helped engineer the Project for the New American Century’s propulsion for world dominance so we could spread American imperialism and secure European and Asian energy resources. I know I totally screwed up this Iraq war by going in there completely unprepared, but hey… we got Sadaam, didn’t we?

Bill O’Reilly: Yes, I’m a liar and a sex addict. Sure, I paid off Andrea Mackris to keep her mouth shut, but the scandal went away, didn’t it? I just love to get those Michael Moore-lovin’ lefties on my show so I can attack them with outrageous lies and distortions that they can’t retort since I cut off their microphones.

Sean Hannity: I’m really nothing more than a right-wing blow-hard, puppeting the RNC talking points. I haven’t really ever told the truth, but even when I’m debunked, it doesn’t stop me for continuing to perpetuate the lies. It’s so fun to take Democrat’s partial quotes out of context and twist it around to mean exactly the opposite of what they intended.

Rush Limbaugh: Yes, I’m a drug-addicted, blow-hard, hypocritic, gas-bag for the right-wing, conservative, religious-right Republican party.

Ann Coulter: Okay, you got me… I really am a man, but a pretty one. How many anorexics do you know who can say absolutely anything, no matter how false and outrageous, on right-wing talk shows, and still get away with it because of my blonde hair and long legs?

Tom Delay: I admit I laundered money through the RNC to pay for Texas Republican campaigns. I also redistricted much of Texas to swerve a bunch of seats over to the Republicans. Oh, and those junketts at Jack Abramoff’s lobbying expense? Loved ‘em! Yeah, I’m a hypocrite. Why else would I have pushed for saving Terri Schiavo when I pulled the plug on my own father?

Bill Frist: Yes, I have full knowledge and management of my ‘blind’ trust. Sold that HCA stock just in time, huh! Of course I diagnosed Terri Schiavo based on watching a video. It wasn’t like she really meant anything to me, but why not use her to wedge the Liberals!

Obviously, this can go on infinitely. Instead, I’m gonna go back to reading my birthday present – Al Franken’s “The Truth”.


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